♥ walk, don't run

i am legend - alternate ending

Tuesday, October 28, 2008 @ 2:08 PM

prefer this ending to the chosen cinematic one but it still sucks. i wish they were more faithful to the book, which is such a classic.

semi-enlightened cat

Wednesday, October 22, 2008 @ 12:34 AM

i think many of my friends are kinda disappointed in me. somehow, i think they expected me to not get married, not to buy a hdb, be some sort of wild child angelina jolie type of person. but i guess i'm just more "normal" than expected. i'm hardly depressed by it cause i'm truly happy with my choices. i can't be a wild child forever. and also, there is much to be appreciated and admired about a normal life. the road less taken is often more exciting and full of adventure, but the road most oft-taken is also ridden with its own responsibilities, pain, happiness and laughter.

yes, my friends will whine and say that i'm doing the normal thing. hahahaha. it's okay cause i do it all the time anyway. amos said this to me the other day... he said, the wedding is not for us, it's for our parents, and the sooner we accept it, the easier it will be. so i said, ok then, let the wedding be for our parents. after all, the marriage is ours.

double o seven | quantum of solace

Monday, October 20, 2008 @ 5:58 PM

two

@ 12:11 AM

one of my good friends is in tatters over her 8-year-old relationship with her bf. she's my colleague actually. i'm not usually close to girls, but this one is particularly great to have around. anyway, she's really depressed and she says that she has never been this depressed in her life. she now understands how people feel when they say that they are depressed. i told her that after amos broke up with one of his exes in uni, he got really depressed too. after the whole experience, he became an atheist. i jokingly say that i'll lure her to the "dark" side (the light side really, haha).

i see two main solutions whenever someone faces a huge tragedy in their lives. i mean, really huge, life-changing sort of tragedy. these are the assumptions:

- you feel that you are not in control of your life
- there is a lot of pain

option 1: you are helpless. you cannot function. you start to think it's a test of faith. you start praying and reading the bible. every verse seem to speak to you. talking to god comforts you. god says that everything will be alright and you believe him. only god can help you. you draw strength from god. soon the crisis resolves and you praise god, reaffirming your faith and telling everyone that god was there for you.

option 2: you are helpless. you cannot function. you start to realise that god is not listening. if he loves you, why would he cause you so much pain? did he require suffering in order for people to love him? you start to question your faith and you realise that there is no god, only yourself and the pain. only you can help yourself. at this point, you draw strength from yourself and people around you to face the problem. soon the crisis resolves and you become an atheist.

=====

of course problems are not that simplistic. some people don't choose option 1 or 2, and commit suicide, develop mental problems, kill somebody etc. and it's difficult to say what choices you will make until you're in that amount of pain. i like to think that i'm rational and option 2 would be it. but who knows? i may not be strong enough and only the belief that something greater can help me is so appealing. after all, tolkien said, there are, indeed, no atheists in foxholes. but then, there are no atheist suicide bombers either.

choose your life, there is no right answer really. christians will tell you that jesus is the only answer. they are so so sure. but i say, that there is more than one option.

"We exist on a spectrum that goes from the unconscious to the fully conscious, and once we've left unconscious grace behind we can't go back, we can only go on - through life, through education, through suffering, through experience to the thing we come to call wisdom, which is right at the other end of the spectrum." - Philip Pullman

a room of one's own

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 @ 12:48 AM

the only way not to feel sorry for yourself is when there are more depressed people out there. i think life serves you funny things at funny times. you have dreams up till you're about 25 and then you go, oh shit, guess i'm settling.

you buy your first hdb and feel damn happy about it, although you have 30 years of mortgage and are imprisoned to work responsibly and pay up that loan. but you're still damn happy about it.

i'm terribly inspired by my evil twin, L, who is terribly happily married. not in the traditional perfect sense. but in the, after i met him, i didn't find any another guy attractive sense. she also lives in a damn cool deconstructed 4-room flat, with an equally cool and super obese cat. her hubby is the cool geeky sort and does all the housework. they spend all their money on designer stuff and don't worry that their combined income hasn't gone above the hdb 8k ceiling.

anyway, try as i may, i can't be like that. of course, i think i will be happily married cause amosquito makes me terribly happy. but more than a 4-room, i need to save up for my condo(s) and holidays. i don't like to be poor. i like to be comfortable and i honestly admit it. i'm super unelightened. i don't want to worry about money. i want to be happy and rich, not happy and poor. all those people who say money is not important are LYING. amos always says i'm materialistic, then i go, what about your ps3, xbox, latest graphic card, new computer, bigger tv, blu ray dvds, fine dining, fine wines??????? hehe.

another thing i learned, there is no such thing as a perfectly happy couple. everyone has their problems.

impossible is everything

Thursday, October 09, 2008 @ 12:24 AM

i liked the "brushing my teeth" entry so much that i wanted to write a short novella revolving around the same themes of choice and depression. then i started to have all these images in my head of how the story would be. i knew exactly how the protagonist would be like, what the possible endings were, what colour toothbrush it was etc.

then amos said that he wants to make it into a short film, to beethoven's 7th of course. he's been wanting to direct for the longest time. his biggest hero, james cameron, was a truck driver turned director. anyway, so i now have to write a novella and screenplay. we argue over artistic direction. my protagonist is male, amos is insisting on a female with hot lesbian sex scenes and titties.

i say, no! it's an art film.

he sighs, we can't make money from 15-minute art films.

i say, we do arty until hollywood picks us up ala chris nolan. then we get to remake wonderwoman into the coolest thing ever.

=====

so yeah, i'm not sure if we'll really do it.

the other thing, i just had the coolest idea yesterday. i thought that every once in a while, or at least once in our lives, we should set an impossible goal for ourselves and resolve, no matter what, to achieve it. like climb mount everest, swim the english channel, make a million dollars in a month, be a bag designer etc. it's not impossible of course, it can be done. its just that most people won't think about it. secondly, most of the small bunch who might even attempt it, would fail.

yes, so i have an impossible idea brooding in my head. amos is waiting for me to grow out of it. but i'm quite serious about it. it would be pretty amazing and awesomely cool if i achieve it. i can't say what it is. but it's going to be incredibly tough and almost impossible. it will take six years to complete and quite a bit of money. (no, it's not the novel/film)...

=====

impossible is everything. if it wasn't, it wouldn't be impossible.

(that's my quote!!! haha. i like it. cause i hate those impossible is nothing ads.)

brushing my teeth

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 @ 12:20 AM

i get these bouts of moodiness. sometimes they're predictable, like right before my period around the 18th of each month. other times they're erratic and you don't realise it's not the world's fault, but your moodiness really, until it's too late. i had one of them recently. i'd like to think i get depressed on and off. it seems rather fashionable.

i know everyone gets depressed. for most of us, it's manageable and not-too-serious. for some, it gets in the way of living. i'm in the former category.

some days you can't get out of bed. on those days, you have to make a decision whether to brush your teeth. once you start brushing, you're on your way to work. if you decide not to brush, that means a day of staying in and riding out the depression.

what do i do on those days that i decide not to brush my teeth? i :-

a. read
b. watch tv
c. sleep
d. clean

that's it. and then i feel more calm. some of my colleagues don't understand why i take my leave sporadically, like one day every two months. they would probably understand when i tell them, that i get depressed every two months and need to do the above a-d. long leave is too depressing. you get depressed when you have to return to work and see all those emails. i'm also nice because i hate it when people go on long leave, i get stuck with their work.

so yes, today i decided to brush my teeth. in fact, i brush my teeth on most days.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 @ 9:23 PM

i'm in love with another man, dr gregory house, to be precise... i guess i should be ashamed but when he spouts stuff like this most of the time, you just can't help falling in love with him...

House: Skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle and everyone inside the circle is normal and anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalised or worse, pitied.

Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy.

House: Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy face. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid. I envy him.

this is why we live

Monday, October 06, 2008 @ 12:24 AM

two fantastic shows over the weekend:

the chaser (9/10) - wow, the chaser is as good as silence of the lambs. as riveting, emotional, nerve-racking, dramatic... unlike lambs or other hollywood movies, where the victims will eventually be rescued, this is a korean movie. expect to be a helpless bystander drawn into this tragedy, where you go no-no-no! and the killer says, yes-yes-yes. i'm not sure how accurate is the portrayal of the korean police force, but many koreans have said, it's a pretty accurate one. it's pretty grim and hopeless, you feel quite depressed after watching it. but it keeps you at the edge of your seat, wringing your hands in vain. bureaucracy is a necessary evil, keeps the innocent safe and provides the guilty with a fair trial. but in times like this, you just want to kill the damn guy already. the chaser's run at the cinema is ending soon, catch it before you watch another damn stupid show (like eagle eye).

the fall (8/10) - the fall is a little-known 2006 film made by tarsem singh, presented by david fincher and spike jonze. it's financed solely from private funds. what's amazing for such a beautiful, visually spectacular and great film is that up till now, it has so little publicity and distribution. we came across it through one of the imdb threads (i love imdb!) that's why we had to download it off the net. we went to the shops after watching it to pick up the blu ray version and nope, nobody had it (we'll probably ship it in). the cinematography is gorgeous featuring some 18 countries, including some of the amazing forts in rajasthan that i visited. makes me want to run away and travel. would definitely encourage you to download it. great movies MUST be watched. and buy the dvd if you love it as much as we did. check out the fall trailer here: