♥ walk, don't run

Thursday, August 31, 2006 @ 9:25 AM

I'm a walking zombie this past few weeks... Although I get my time-off from working weekends, my rest has already been disturbed. And you spend so much time doing peripheral work, not much of the real work gets done. :( And as of tomorrow, one member from my team will be leaving us for the dark side. Then come, end-Oct, another member would be leaving us, leaving S and myself to handle everything else. I don't forsee management hiring anyone soon. S too, is tired. Not from work, but from fighting battles and politics. The damage has been done. The place is scarred. We need someone strong to come save us. Hehe.

Anyway, I attended a total-geek dinner event last night. There was a WoW (World of Craft) gathering. I quit WoW a couple of months back after being obssessively addicted to it for a few months. Hehe. So they met in of all places, a comic and board game store in Orchard. Yep, I got initiated into geek-dom. Hehe. I thought I was a geek at heart but this brought my geekness to new levels. Amos, of course, is all familiar with these things - they would create their own board and strategy games back in secondary school. Eeek.

So anyway, people introduced themselves as their characters. I don't play my character, Talishya, anymore so I was the only plain ole Michele. So people talked WoW the whole time. I'm used to it cause we hang out with Des and Fab pretty often. But three familiar people talking WoW versus nine strangers is a lil too much. :( I tried to pay attention and I know how much it means to Amos, but all the while I was so tempted to whip out my last Jean M. Auel book - The shelters of Stone to read. Hehe. Anyway, I survived geek-dom. *phew*

But it is interesting to see the real players. I thought Amos was the best-looking one there so that says a lot about the state of looks in the geek circle. Hehe. The girls were surprisingly feminine and delicate-looking, in dresses, skirts and heels. I thought I was the most non-girly with my vest and adidas shoes. Haha. I know Amos probably wants me to play more WoW and wear dresses/heels, rather than climb mountains. But he's just got to be happy with what he has. Hehe.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 @ 3:37 PM

Updates from Colin - Colin and Eunice in Hawaii! :) Don't they look adorable? Hehe.

@ 9:13 AM

I realised last night that the three most detested foods by Amos all start with the letter "C"! Hehe. Carrot, Celery and Cucumber...

The other important C's that I thought of (well, the first 3 C's are from September's Yoga Journal) are Calm, Contentment, Connection (or Communication), Compassion and Courage. :)

Happy Wednesday!

mel oh mel

Friday, August 25, 2006 @ 9:26 AM

we were in church last last sunday and after we received holy communion, i commented to my sister that the quality of the eucharist was not as good as before. it used to melt... in your mouth. now you have to kinda, chew on it. haha. then i asked her, do you know who makes those lil wafer things. she said, MINDS (movement for the intellectually disabled in singapore). hahaha. i almost choked. hehe. i asked her again and she was quite embarassed by now... she thought for a while and said, gardenia. this time i had to laugh out loud... my little sister. damn funny. and no wonder people keep saying we're lousy catholics. hahaha.

the other funny thing is that they've coined this celeb-name for themselves in the likes of bennifer, branjelina etc and it is............. "Melsley" hahaha. those kids! yes, wesley i know you read my blog. ;p but then they are quite adorable lah.

busy busy... things dont look very good at work, people are constantly in a bad mood. :( although i'm not unhappy (that means i have quite a clear perspective on things these days), its difficult to deal with unhappy people.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006 @ 9:13 PM

I cannot ignore my path any longer... I know I've been saying this for sometime but I've been in a mixed up state of procrastination (bad bad!), ignoring the truth and fear. What is a path anyway? I too do not know. And unless I commit, I will not know... You can say that I am ignorant or gullible, but once you've been called, it's hard to turn away. Hehe, I hope I'm not being too drama here. Life will still go on. :)

Release, let go. Surrender...

Monday, August 21, 2006 @ 10:26 AM

Oooh wow, she called me to apologise.

Anyway, the no. 1 rule in the workplace is to NEVER send out angry emails immediately. I received the email on Sat but I didn't reply till today. If I had replied on Sat, it would have been an irrational and angry reply. So I waited till this morning, when I've had the weekend to mull over, and sent out a rational, straightforward email this morning. :) So anyway, I guess she felt quite bad about her harsh email. People still do surprise me and the one thing that we should not forget is our humanity, our ability to be kind, patient, forgiving and love.

@ 9:33 AM

I have to learn to manage my expectations of people. :(

to wash away

Friday, August 18, 2006 @ 10:13 AM

Saufen's response to my blog post and it rained all night...

Live in joy,
In love,
Even among those who hate.

Live in joy,
In health,
Even among the afflicted.

Live in joy,
In peace,
Even among the troubled.

-- Dhammapada

As clarity comes to your mind, you see clearly the suffering around you and it really floods in uncontrollable as a tsunami. Wah lao eh. Folks really can't see they're swimming in their own bad karma. Haha. But take heart. A wise young monk consoled me that even the most powerful of bodhisattvas cannot free all from suffering, vast though they are in their compassion and wisdom.

Don't get mixed up. If you have found your path to happiness, stay your ground, and live in joy, even if you're surrounded by others who still suffer from the effects of their own ignorance, hatred, greed. Because we see reality as it is, we are open to suffering but we do not ABSORB it ourselves. With more wisdom, we see reality for what it is and we notice why suffering exists in ourselves and others. We feel compassion for their suffering but we do not suffer their suffering because we are free ("no joy like the joy of freedom").

In fact, the Buddha himself cautions us against what he calls "excessive grieving" (it's considered an unwholesome behaviour. .. something of a sin!): that is we suffer even more that others when we learn of their suffering! Rather, our compassion moves us to do something about their suffering -- while we stay in equanimity. It creates an internal force, an urgency to help, yet a patience for things which are hard to change, a gratitude for having received some of the wisdom of the Dhamma that we can rise above it all. We help others plant the seeds of their own liberation from suffering because ultimately, they need to liberate themselves: "No one purifies another".

In the meantime, stay on the path.

Never neglect your work
For another's,
However great his need.

Your work is to discover your work
And then with all your heart
To give yourself to it.
May you be enlightened and enjoy the liberation that it brings.

Thursday, August 17, 2006 @ 2:31 PM

Ooooohhh Miss Izzy has been hacked into! Poor poor girl...

and it rained all night

@ 8:27 AM

have you had the same dream twice? or dreamt of a scene in a dream more than once? last night, a food stall named "candice" appeared in my dream. it was only this morning that i realised that i've dreamt of "candice" before and that the person that i'm with will tell me that we'll eat at "candice" the next time we were there. hmm weirdness... not all that weird. at least its not yicky monsters or creepy long-haired women... hehe.

i must also practice more patience! it is said that when you are enlightened or awakened like the buddha, you will experience that everything and everyone around you are inter-connected; you in others, others in you. do not insult or berate or belittle efforts of those who want to save the sharks, the dolphins, the turtles, our fellow human beings, the environment... they cannot help that they are enlightened and see inter-connectedness. what you choose to say, do, buy, eat, act, think will have a consequence on something or someone. social responsibility and more. ignorance is NOT bliss!

of course i'm not enlightened but i've reached a stage where suffering becomes very obvious to me. there was once, a long time ago, when i was with amos and i started crying. and he asked me why and i replied that, i was sad because people couldn't see that they were suffering. i know, so drama right? but i can't help it! that people (including me sadly) continue to fight, to be unhappy, to live with no awareness, openess and mindfulness.

but it's hard for people to change because of habit, because they refuse help, because they are resistant. and i must recognise this. there is no point teaching or telling them, because they have to realise truth and happiness on their own. we can only be the stimulus, but the point of realisation, wisdom and knowing must come from within. and some people do take longer than others.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 @ 9:59 PM

life's interesting, kinda. i think I've left that horrid first half of 2006 behind and it smells fresh, rosy even. i'm looking forward to a whole bunch of things but remember, remember: be still, be content, have fun.

it feels good when life's reins are back in your hands. they always were there, just that i let them slip away a little. now i'm back in power and i'm going to grasp life and happiness by the throat. yes, i'm violent and vicious and you never can tell by how i appear, but only let slip if you know me well.

so a list of things that i'm resolved to doing but puppy's going to disapprove of half/most of them:

(1) dance more - either ballet or tap, no point doing things halfway, so i better whip myself into being a decent dancer
(2) go for a yoga course - not those wimpy ones, but a long, educational one
(3) climb bigger, higher, badder mountains - i have no idea why i'm obssessed with mountains. why why why. but i'm happy doing them and maybe in my past life, i lived on some mountain. haha.
(4) do my masters - overseas would be great but i know puppy will get upset so hopefully they accept me here ;)
(5) write a book - well, this one will probably take years and i'm not a wow writer but but but i'll still try... maybe i'll produce one single masterpiece before i die... hehehe.
(6) buy an old house and restore it bit by bit - i dislike hdb's, they're so soulless, characterless... but its the people in them that makes them alive right? yah but i still like something older, with more history and character. i want a kooky, quirky house with pink, purple, white rooms, antique furniture, mismatched carpets & cushions, handmade lamps, sculptures in my garden, a meditation room, etc etc
(7) travel the rest of SEA - so I have Laos, Myanmar, Vietnam on the list. maybe east timor as well.
(8) spend at least 3 months in europe
(9) adopt 2 kids - one Cambodian & one Nepalese
(10) learn Pali / Sanskrit
(11) gain enlightenment - this one's a lil tricky, but yes, i do still want it. but the trick is, i cant gain it if i want it. i must let go...

there... so many things to do and see. i suspect i'm one of those who will die young so yep, a toast to life and happiness. may you be well and happy!

wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww

Monday, August 14, 2006 @ 11:53 AM

i'm at home today cause i worked yesterday. in the middle of the night, last night, i finally figured out why i was in one of my moody moods. it was pms! hehe. i could feel the beginnings of my stomach cramps, the contractions and woke up groggily to the toilet to slap on a pad. phew, lucky no stains. the last thing i need to disturb my sleep is a bloody pair of undies. hahaha. i know i'm gross. i like grossing people out. *evil grin*

pms is not a myth! sometimes we girls exaggerate pms to get away with things - PE, work, mood swings, erratic eating behaviours etc... but pms is not a myth, at least to me. about a day before the period comes, i get terribly depressed, slow, lethargic, angry and yes, one of those moody mood things. i usually see it immediately as pms but last night somehow, i didn't know and continued to be in one of my moods. i forgot that my period was coming. *sigh* no more on hormone pills, so it comes on time every month, in the middle of the month.

anyway, puppy is pissed with me. cause i was moody. and so now he's moody and sian. endless cycle. puppy don't be moody and sian ok? meow! *wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww*

Sunday, August 13, 2006 @ 8:27 PM

it's amazing how an innocent conversation like the one i just had turned sour in all of 9 minutes. yes, i'm in an irritable mood, but i didn't think it annoyed him that much. or maybe he's been putting up with it for some time now and just couldn't deal with me anymore. if i'm that intolerable, i wonder how do guys date girls who are on prozac or suffer from manic-depression or bipolar disorders? i can't be that bad am i?

i was going to spend the night over maybe doing a late supper or watch 3 hours worth of the abyss, after all it's his second favourite cameron film and if he could stand to sit through the company, the least i could do is tolerate cameron for 3 hours. and cameron isn't too bad. i've watched worst.

so looks like i have the night alone to myself. maybe i should start on the corporation. after all, he does find documentaries quite distasteful. or start working my way through the economist stack.

it didn't occur to me how different we were until i saw in his face and eyes that day on ophir. whilst i relished the challenge ahead of me, my mind focused on the task, he was in a pissed off mood. its difficult to climb a mountain when you dont want to climb a mountain. so for the rest of our lives, either one of us would be pissed off with whatever i do. if i do it, he'll be pissed. if i don't do it, i'll be pissed.

but we're still attracted to each other muchly. we have a lot of affection for each other. but i wonder about j's words, that it'll be difficult in the long run when you don't do things together. but we do do things together. its just that once in a while, i get the inane urge to do something crazy. and he complains why i can't be normal and stay put. but what is normal? i've discovered that many of my colleagues are way way weird that i'm probably quite boring normal compared to them.

*sigh* and i keep peeling the skin of the sides of my thumb. i'm going to go to bed very grey and very tired. to go or not to go to bali? i've just cleared most of my debts and gotten my savings to stay at a desired level... hmmm... blat.

@ 3:58 PM

i know i would be found. but did i want to be found? did i want to know that i was being found? and there the game goes on.

i just finished reading the sally lockhart series, philip pullman. all in 3 days. spent approximately 4-5 hours on each book. hehe. amos is appalled at the rate i devour books. he shakes his head and mutters, not worth it man. he relishes each page, each word and stretches his dollars and cents. while i read furiously like a tyrant with an urgency that amazes me even. i cannot function when i am held by a good book. i must perservere on and no other task, no matter how urgent can distract me from getting right to the end.

i have one more book to go - the tin princess and then i'll be on my mission to look for more. every once in a while i'll come across something brilliant and gripping but ever so often, most books are draggy and unimaginative. well, at least i have a stack of economist and nature magazines that i bought from the nlb sale yesterday. yes, they're old but i figured (a) they're not as grubby as the books - most people would pick up an archer or sheldon more than world politics or why the world is becoming warmer (b) its old news, but i have a renewed obsession in world affairs, stirred up in particular by the israel-lebanon conflict so it doesn't hurt to plough through old news to set the background (c) it's better than buying another vogue or marie claire or cosmopolitan (although i can't resist sometimes hehe)

we were at the expo yesterday for the nlb sale, although i told my mum earlier i wouldn't go cause i didn't like grubby books. hehe. i love libraries, i do. i just won't buy second-hand books. i know, its awful of me, its not that i have tons of money to spend on books. but well, it just itches me to buy grubby books. :(

anyway, it was really crowded there and the first thing amos said was, "shit, the fucking christians are here" now now, i know it sounds awful and trust me, he's not a christian-hater or anything like that. after all he was one of them. its just freaky to see them around. its like some sort of cult. like they were all brainwashed or something. i remember i was out once with a lawyer friend (not a friend really, we only met like twice) and he said that they were the worst lot, those who preach all day, claim to be saved by grace and all when not a single ounce of grace or love came from them. all you need to believe and then voila, you've got a ticket to heaven. AND why is god male??? that is one thing that annoys me muchly. hehe. sometimes, i wonder if i should just hurry up and die to see what's after life.

Friday, August 11, 2006 @ 10:33 AM

I'm irritated with myself. With my contradictory infuriating self. Whilst I want contentment, I search endlessly. I cannot be still and stop. But at times I do.

I fear a life not lived and so I do, I search, I seek.
I feel the swiftness of time and so I do, I search, I seek.

I will not go gentle into that good night.
I will fight and yet I know, it is not the way.

"I think it's a mistake to lose one's self of death, even one's fear of death. Isn't death the boundary we need? Doesn't it give a precious texture to life, a sense of definition? You have to ask yourself whether anything you do in this life would have beauty and meaning without the knowledge you carry of a final line, a border or limit."

Quoted from White Noise by Don Delillo

>>>>>Atoms For Peace<<<<<

Thursday, August 10, 2006 @ 4:32 PM

Amos picked up Enemy of the State yesterday at HMV and we watched it last night. Was pleasantly surprised but then it's Tony Scott who has done some decent stuff like Spy Game and Top Gun. So if you want to catch an entertaining laid-back but not too brainless show, Enemy of the State kinda fits the bill. And if you haven't watched Spy Game go watch it... quite a mind-fuck. Hahaha.

Shit, been buying too many dvds... :( Bought Robert Altman'sThe Company at last... sans English subtitles. Also bought The Corporation... Wah damn broke now! And then, while in HMV, I remembered that Thom Yorke's latest album, The Eraser was out and just had to buy it... Hahaha. Listening to it right now... I like the sound of it so far but I'm in the office and can't crank it up.

Gah*Bah Gah*Bah Gah*Bah Gah*Bah Gah*Bah

Bring The War Home

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 @ 12:14 PM

Just finished watching The Weather Underground yesterday... if you liked Fight Club go watch this one! Read more about the Weatherman...

"We felt that doing nothing in a period of repressive violence is itself a form of violence. That's really the part that I think is the hardest for people to understand. If you sit in your house, live your white life and go to your white job, and allow the country that you live in to murder people and to commit genocide, and you sit there and you don't do anything about it, that's violence." - Naomi Jaffe, Weather Underground member

John Jacobs and Terry Robbins at the Days of Rage, Chicago, October 1969.

"You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows" - Bob Dylan

Mount Ophir: 5-6 Aug 2006

Monday, August 07, 2006 @ 10:15 PM

Mount Ophir or Gunung Ledang as the locals call it

The Ranger station - where we began our trek!

Puppy gives me the middle finger - he's all enthusiastic about the trek ahead. Hehe.

Our lil team - Andy, me, Puppy and Fabian

After a 3 hour hike we reach our campsite. Well, we didn't exactly pitch the tent - it was one of those easy peasy Carrefour ones. We set up camp at CP4 (Check Point 4).

A drama of sorts happened at the campsite. We were supposed to cook using one of those burners. Andy was fixing the burner to the gas and well, he couldn't fix it. Gas leaked, loads of it. He still couldn't fix it. Someone shouted drop it the ground. And immediately when he put it down, the whole thing burst into flames! Everyone at the campsite turned to look at our drama. We were so afraid the thing would explode! After a while, the fire died out. Our guide, Ismail, later told us that it has happened before and the person's arms and legs were burnt. Thank god, Amos had the right mind to take that cigarette away from Andy before he fixed it.

Andy cooking, using solid fuel. It was terribly slow so we used the guides' stove later on...

Ooh... and off we go to the summit. Lots of ladders and ropes.

Another 3.5 hours and we're at the summit! Me looking happy at the top. Yay! And I went into one of my bimbotic modes - it was incredibly hot up there and I suddenly complained that I'll get an uneven tan. Wahaha.

Andy, me and Fabian at the summit. Poor puppy injured his ligament and couldn't make it to the top. *sob*

Hehehe. Me climbing down. I was quite freaked out at this section. While climbing up, I froze halfway and I couldn't move. I started whining (hehehe) and a guide shouted "hang on!". He came down beside me and guided me up slowly. Always feels safer to have someone back you up. Phew. And people die climbing Ophir ok!!!

Me, Puppy, Andy, our guide Ismail and Fabian... Yay! Down the mountain we go... My legs are aching like hell and I've got bruises all over. But yay... nothing like a good climb. (But puppy would beg to differ... he totally hates hiking now... :(

Us waiting for the bus to Segamat. All exhausted and tired. We ended up taking a taxi.

Yay, finally decent food after 2 days of canned food and maggi mee. Chilling out over ice cold beer and lime juice. And watching Scorpion King on HBO. Hahaha.

still frames & moving pictures

Friday, August 04, 2006 @ 3:57 PM

click on image for enlarged view :)

@ 11:20 AM

In Afghanistan, some daughters sent off to be married are just children. Ghulam Haider, 11, is to be married to Faiz Mohammed, 40. She had hoped to be a teacher but was forced to quit her classes when she became engaged.

Picture and text from The New York Times

And if you haven't watched Osama, go buy/rent/snatch/beg/steal the dvd. :) I'm so grateful and thankful for my life so far. We complain most of the time and we always want life to be better but let's take a few moments each day to be grateful and content with what we have.

On gays in heterosexual marriages: When the Beard Is too Painful to Remove

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 @ 11:05 AM

I grok you!!! Reading my second Heinlein book - Stranger in a Strange Land Ok lah, not wow-wow - in the same hardcore science fiction league of Asimov and Clarke.

Anyway, Jean M. Auel really kicks ass! Hahaha. I've not been so excited about a book series since Pullman or Tolkein. I read the first three books of the Earth's Children series in record time - 2 days for the first book and 1 day each for the second and third book (working days somemore!). Heh heh. The third book got a lil melodramatic and graphic (sexual), so hopefully the rest (there are a total of six books in the series - five have already in published) doesn't get worse.

Why do I go to church, a friend asks. Even when I have very little faith left of this religion, I still attend mass almost every weekend. I haven't picked up the Bible in years and read the Dhammapada now instead. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you believe in or what your values are. What's more important is being compassionate. I think I'm being compassionate by going to church, to make my parents happy. I don't mind going, I hardly spend any time with them anyway. I don't think its a matter of "being true to yourself or not". Sometimes, we do things for the ones we love simply because we love them.

Anyhow, we had a book reading at the Museum part of NLB's Read! Singapore on Sat. One of the books was Tuesdays With Morrie. I bought the book 3 years ago for my dad and never got round to reading it till Sat morning!! Hahaha. Always had the perception that it was preachy. Well, it wasn't too bad... still preachy but a lot of the things that Morrie said struck a chord with me cause they were all so Buddhist! Detachment, compassion etc. We should all read the Dhammapada - just one tiny book is enough for a lifetime of teachings!

Ok we are finally going to Ophir this weekend! The trip has been postponed one too many times... My mum smsed me in the morning and told me to cancel the trip cause its the Hungry Ghosts Festival. Hehe. But we'll go ahead lah. Yippee!