what do cats do on their birthdays?

wake up late, do nothing, have late lunches, teach yoga, eat cheesecake and fall asleep on buses, on the most comfortably assuring shoulder.

"As I Breathe In, I am Here"
(In Our Practice, Spring 1999)
By Cheri Huber

When you are present, here, in this moment, awareness and attention settled into the breath, the breath nurturing and nourishing the body and the mind, the heart open, expansive, accepting - you know that this is who you are. This is your true self, your essential nature. This conscious, compassionate awareness feels right, feels true, feels "so," feels good, there is a sense of well-being, peace, comfort. Here we wish to stay.

As we sit in meditation, we find this place of comfort and well-being. We recognize it as what it is - the absence of any illusion of separation. Just here. No boundaries. No inside and out. No here and there. This without a that. A place we can only point toward with words because no words can describe it. All words are this place, but we become confused when we think words mean something else. But that is an aside.

As we sit, we breathe. Allow the breathing to be comfortable, letting the breath comfort the body. As the body is comforted, the mind is stilled, the whole being is soothed. Easy, relaxed. Breathing in, breathing out. Not pushing. Not straining or trying. This is who you truly are - life living - this does not require stress or tension.

In this state of relaxed comfort we are in a position to simply notice. How can we notice if there is no one there to notice, conditioning may ask. All that has been described is a relaxed, comfortable mind and body. Who will be doing the noticing? We forget, because it serves conditioning for us to forget, that life is intelligent. Intelligence does not exist because of an ego. Ego is able to be deluded about its intelligence because intelligence is. Life is intelligent, life is intelligence. It is not necessary for us to do anything, intelligence is. As we stop doing, stop controlling and attempting to make awareness happen, as we simply relax into a comfortable mind and body breathing, we participate in intelligence. We are aware. We "see." We understand. We have insight. Clarity is.

The urge to do is almost overwhelmingly compelling. I, at the very least, need to remember this! The world of samsara, the world of suffering arises. The doors to hell open wide. Gone is the peaceful, calm, clear intelligence of non-existence. I am a separate self who must be in relationship to everything. I must know, see, protect, succeed, survive.

As I breathe in I am here. As I breathe out I am here. No I. No words. No here. Breathing. Breathing breathing breathing.

Allow your breath to be a doorway, a portal between the inside and the outside. Being with the breath, the internal world with all its memories, traumas, fears, hopes, dreams, and plans is unfed. As with a fire that goes out without fuel, the world of karma burns itself away when given no attention. Keep your attention for here, the present, for life, for the compassionate goodness that is your original nature. Being with the breath, the external world with all its successes, promises of power, wealth, fame, importance, being special, is unnourished. Once again, the world of karma must feed on itself and begins to wither away.

Sitting still, breathing comfortably we find a balance, not clinging, not resisting. A balance that allows all to be exactly as is. Harmonious, complete, nothing excluded.

mel: whole day gain enlightenment, gain enlightenment. later go hell instead of heaven.
me: i'm putting that in my blog
mel: wtf

mel cooked dinner for us today. yummy! stir fried beef. spicy chicken thai salad. fried taufu with this sour vinegar cucumber dip. yay! she's an awesome cook. skipped lunch today. slept from 1130am till 530pm. indulgence. she's a silly baby. love her so much. haha. ok here's mel and i in the car. mel with pink hair. haha. her foot is still sprained. couldnt do lotus yesterday. poor baby. its one her favourite yoga poses. dad is rubbing it for her now.

what is compassion? compassion is the wish that others be free of suffering. it is by means of compasion that we aspire to attain enlightenment. it is compassion that inspires us to engage in the virtuous practices that lead to buddhahood. we must therefore devote ourselves to developing compassion.

to truly develop compassion, we have to devote more time to it than our formal meditation sessions grant us. it is a goal we must commit ourselves to with all our heart. there is no secret method by which compassion and loving-kindness can come about. we must knead our minds skillfully, and with patience and perseverance we shall find that our concern for the well-being of others will grow.

durians
jackfruits
innards
intestines
turtle soup
bah kwa
frog legs
half-calf pants
vegan
yogini
gets drunk
dances with strangers
michelle
buddhist mumbo jumbo
richer
more mature
writes better
doesnt game
no time
too young
now i'm falling further and faster than i want to, and i cant bear to stop

miss your long hugs...
miss your lingering kisses...
miss your scent on my shirt...
miss your fingers in mine...
miss your head on my shoulder...
miss the funny sounds you make...
miss your gentle caresses...
miss your purring in my ear...
miss you tousling my hair...
miss you miss you miss you...

if i dont manage my energy properly this week, i'll head for burn-out central... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

write one true sentence. i'm alone with my thoughts. i have not told my dad that i quit my job. my mum disapproves. she says, what do you want to do? 24 years old with no profession. hmm... i kept quiet. mel said, go tell daddy tonight. i said, no. i'm crapped out enough from work, i cant do it tonight. it will be too tiring. i dont have the energy to deal with another prep talk on what i want to do with my life. its funny - my peers who seem to KNOW what they want to do with their lives - stable government jobs etc complain more and are more unsatisfied than me AND they think that i know what i want to do with my life.

dear mum and dad, i love you very much and i know you love me very much and are worried that i would end up like one of those unmotivated, single, lonely women... (haha, thats quite funny actually). anyway, its back to what's happened last year when i quit the shipping gig. yikes. dad gets angry etc... blah blah blah. sometimes i feel like just working a regular job so that i dont have to deal with everyone's crap. like just let me sell my soul to moe to keep the parents happy. haha. hmm... i know they would love that for me. stable job. go find a nice stable boyfriend working with the civil service, buy a nice hdb flat, have kids and get subsidies... forget all this yoga nonsense, fears that i would become a hindu(?!), buddhist whatever. my mum actually finds it weird that i hardly buy clothes these days. when we go out shopping, she's like you're sure you dont want this? i'm like, crap... haha. they would be thrilled actually. haha. if i could just be normal. ah!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, i love them very much and i love myself very much as well. the path is scary. i'm terrified now actually. will i earn enough to feed myself? what if i dont earn enough? what if i fall sick and cant teach? what if i hurt myself? fear.

another story by ajahn brahm! - the biggest thing in the world

the daughter of a friend from my college days was in her first year at primary school. her teacher asked the large class of 5-year-olds, "what is the biggest thing in the world?" one small girl said, my daddy. an elephant, answered a young boy who had recently been to the zoo. a mountain, replied another. my friend's young child said, my eye is the biggest thing in the world.

the class went quiet as they all tried to understand the little girl's answer. what do you mean?, asked her teacher, equally perplexed. well, began the miniature philosopher, my eye can see her daddy, and it can see an elephant. it can also see a mountain and many other things as well. since all this can fit into my eye, my eye must be the biggest thing in the world!

wisdom is not learning, but seeing clearly what can never be taught.

with much respect to my friend's young daughter, i would extend her insight a little further. it is not your eye but your mind that is the biggest thing in the world. your mind can see all that your eye can see, and it can see more that is supplied through your imagination. it can also know sounds, which your eye can never see, and know touch, both real and made of dream stuff. your mind can also know what lies outside your five senses. because everything that can be known can fit into your mind, your mind must be the biggest thing in the world. the mind contains all. END

(some may argue that the computer is the biggest thing in the world... ahaha!)

anyway, to some people, security is the biggest thing, money to another, beauty, luxury, wealth, success, power, health, love, happiness. we all have our own idea on what is the biggest thing in our lives. what is the biggest thing in your life? does it revolve around on what is immediate? money, career etc. does it revolve around what you can see? or feel? guided by your senses, immediate gratifications like food, sex and shopping. to consume. what is my biggest thing? a lot of changes are taking place in my life right now... most of them sudden and recent, but feels right. my biggest thing now, is to slow down my life. going too fast. going nowhere. been neglecting my meditation. slow down. breathe. relax. let go. too many thoughts. too many worries and fears. my biggest thing right now is to be well and happy. to meditate that all beings be free from suffering. to be loving kindness. to listen to myself. its difficult. please let me see my path clearly and let me retain equanimity in all difficulties.

i'm back. hot day. mental note: to bring hat, sunscreen and extra clothes next week to work. the bulk of the sculptures are moving into smu next week. so i'll be sweating!!! erk. one of my lit teachers in sec. sch. told us, pigs sweat, men perspire and women glow. but i dont seem to glow leh. haha.

i was talking to g last night at fling. she said i looked familiar. we were speculating where we could have met and suddenly she grabbed my arm and said, you're tim's ex-girlfriend! i'm like yah, ex ex ex girlfriend... haha. i was tim's first girlfriend. g was his second girlfriend. so we dated the same guy!!! how cool is that?? haha. i met her once twice when they were still together... strange... what a strange world. no wonder i found her familiar. haha.

ok short one. gotta go eat lunch.

bus uncle waits for me as i do my 50 metres dash for the bus this morning. sweet nice bus uncle. then i realise i have no money in my ezlink. yikes. ended paying 40 cents for my bus ride. nice uncle said it was okay. haha. then for dinner, auntie at the raffles city food court gives me a free tofu and curry vegetables... wah! haha. so sweet...

discussing india plans. really tired out today. mentally and physically. my energy and attention was all dispersed during dr. k's class. i was the only student so i bugged him about splits, arm balances and pranayama. we did ujayii breathing and he came really close to make sure i was doing it right. hehe. then he said, ok, when you next inhale in ujayii breathing, tighten your anus and sexual organs... wahaha! i almost laughed out loud (esp. after hearing the story about him and the anus, water thing... i shall not elaborate. haha.) this is to awaken the kundalini. so i was like shit, i dont even know my anus muscles are. hehe. so when i finally located where those muscles are... (took a while of experimentation)... and did the ujayii breathing with it, it just felt like i needed to shit badly. haha... ;p i love dr. k. i mean, he's such a character. but when he does these things i'm like, holy crap. haha.

ben didnt like the blake poem i sent to him. he said he didnt get it. i said thats just the first 4 lines man. and it doesnt matter if you get it or not. haha. cubs loved it though, she says its the only blake poem she knows. haha... a sent me some lines of a rosetti poem: when i am dead my dearest, sing no sad songs for me. plant thou no roses at my head, nor shady cypress tree. be the green grass above me, with showers and dewdrops wet. and if thou wilt, remember; and if thou wilt, forget.

death. i'm glad that i pulled through all those times where i seriously contemplated killing myself. slit your wrists along the veins (not across the wrists), get into the bathtub filled with warm water, close eyes, and fill your life slip. the other one was to pop lots of pills. sylvia plath did it 3 times and died the third time. put her head in a oven. when i was depressed, it was all very darkly romantic. the world against me. my body fails. my mind fails. i cant help it, i say. i'm like this. its my bad karma. went through the self-mutilation stage. mel went through it too. caught her cutting her wrists when she was in jc. translating all that inner pain into physical pain. now, i choose to be happy. its easy to choose depression, i think i even liked being depressed. everyday, you make a conscious choice. to live. to be happy. i'm supposed to be sleeping early tonight. i cant get enough sleep. try to sleep by 12. wide awake at 2am. toss, turn, toss, sigh, shut eyes. have to manage my shuteye time better...

j has the uncanniest ability to unravel me. j says its karma. well maybe... standing, existing, being, breathing... cold draft.

have to watch the spiders when i step into my bathtub. they form tiny invisble webs. walking on air. dont wannt kill or drown the poor spiders. spiders are lucky. there was an enid blyton book about a bunch of kids that ran away to an island to live. one of the characters said that spiders are lucky and from there forth, i've been ingrained with the notion that i cant kill spiders, they're lucky. haha. (not that my house is filthy! my mum cleans it really well... reminds me again of the spider in lotr shelob??? and the spider in mieville's books).

meeting L later to bring her onsite at smu. francis' sculptures... later - L is here.

236pm. back from lunch. you can choose white rice or this brown barley rice thingy. i wanted the brown barley rice thingy but didnt know how to order it. auntie speaks chinese only. no pictures. so i said "auntie, yao fan, pu se pai fan" which translates to "auntie, i want rice, not white rice"... haha. i sounded sooo stupid saying it... but she understood me! so got my brown barley rice thingy.

listened to the r&j soundtrack last night. when mundy's to you i bestow came on, i cant help but think what an awesome song it is... esp the part "kiss me and kiss me till i'm dead"... haha. very fatal. like r&j's first pilgrim kisses and that kiss at the end before they commit suicide. anyway, its all nice, dark and romantic, but... life. i choose life.

jaafar has beautiful eyes. a deep black in the center and a ring of blue on the outside. like a cat. he's funny. audrey said she was quite traumatised when it was her turn to gallery sit and he talked to her about life, marriage etc... haha. meeting v later for another smu onsite visit. told him, pick me up leh. its too hot! and i've been walking to smu an average of 3 times a day... yeps. later.

First establish yourself in the way,
Then teach,
And so defeat sorrow.

Your work is to discover your work
And then with all your heart
To give yourself to it.

Dhammapada - The Sayings of the Buddha

i was already going down the escalator and suddenly midway, i knew i had to turn back to talk to saufen. i went up again to the studio and we sat down to talk. and what a talk that was! i feel honoured and touched that she trusts me to teach more classes at her new studio. you're just never sure of what you are doing is right or appreciated until someone comes up after class and says, good job or if they keep coming for classes... or in this case trust me to teach her own students. after all, i still see her as my teacher. that is the beauty of yoga. giving, sharing, supporting each other in this journey. and now, i have an important decision to make, which i will continue to meditate on and pray for. ;)

went to cycle at pulau ubin with j today. i dont know what to make of it actually. it was strangely exhilarating. visited chek jawa as well. nice squishy sea grass and mud. it was good to be out with nature and fresh air! have to say my fitness level is quite crap!!! i think yoga helps a lot with the flexibility and strength. but in terms of stamina, i was red and out of my breath midway on my first hill! yikes... must definitely go and train more if i am to do the standard chartered marathon this year. 10km! thats pretty damn long... ah! at least an hour of continuous running. cubs went for the army half marathon today. she's amazing! she ran a marathon like 2 weeks ago and she's at it again. nuts. anyway, yes managed to survive the rest of ubin. j was really patient. haha. which is awesome cause i remember cycling with cubs' ex-bf and friend and well, lets just say they didnt look very happy to be cycling with non-pros. hmm. what to do when you date guys your age??? haha! yikes... i love cycling, i just dont obsess over it. ;) short entry. i'm gonna go watch before sunset again... yay!

i think i have exceeded my sms limit for the month... i hardly sms actually. in fact, i try not to actually unless its most necessary. i even scorn at young (haha!) people messaging nonstop. my sis and her friends hold entire conversations on sms. they do this for hours and hours.

so yes, recently i've been holding entire conversations on sms as well! yikes. i know. but you cant stop messaging once you start. *groan* not that i dont enjoy it. but its just weird. you know. i remember when i was in secondary school and owned a pager. i would send people messages in numbers! then we had long midnight conversations... until my dad would pick up the phone and scream for us to hang up. i miss having long coversations on the phone. with sms, you get delayed responses - did he/she receive my message? why is he/she not replying? did i say something wrong? and you interpret the written word in a different manner. and sore fingers! so you add emoticons like ;) etc... to show that you're being funny... haha. i've grown out of msn and icq as well. i've forgotten my log in names and passwords. haha. ben was like bugging me to chat on msn and i'm like... err... no thank you. i dont think i'm resisting technology, i just think a phonecall or a card says a lot more, more personal, more intimate. anyways, yes i've been smsing tons. we'll see how long that lasts.

been having some problems with some artists, *big big super big sigh*. told audrey i would have to go home and meditate loving-kindness for them. haha! what does the world need most? loving-kindness! must meditate tonight and tomorrow. may all be well and happy. may all be well and happy. may all be well and happy. dr. k says it is his karmic destiny to teach yoga, to spread his gift. i think it is my karmic destiny to be loving kindness and to spread loving kindness because there is nothing more i wish to do than that. what is your karmic destiny? why do you live? what do you live for?

Sri Aurobindo, the great 20th-century Indian sage and progenitor of Integral Yoga, reminds us, "All life is yoga."

In Aurobindo's view, yoga is threaded through the warp and weft of our very existence, and in effect it chooses us. We practice yoga because we really don't have any other choice. Of course, we do decide what form our practice takes—we can go off and live alone in a cave and meditate, or we can stay at home, raise a family, and root for the Yankees. Performed with the proper attitude, each of our everyday actions can be an asana, each breath a pranayama, each thought (or space between two successive thoughts) a seed for meditation.

We may have been gifted with the life-enhancing tool of yoga, but for what reason? The clue is in the Sanskrit word yoga itself, which as you no doubt have heard means "union." For our purposes, though, it might be better to define it as "wholeness," a word etymologically related to both healthy and holy. So why do we really practice yoga? Because life wants us to be whole in the widest and truest sense of the word.

mel and farah came down for the opening last night because dr. vivian balakrishnan was opening it. haha! mel has a big crush on him. hehe. she wanted to take a photo with him but i said, he's got police escorts leh, you want to kena shot down is it. somemore she kept looking at vivian so often that the escorts started to look at her. wahaha. i thought the police escort was quite cute, but married lah. been meeting a lot of cute married men! wahaha. die. of course i wont do anything. but its like damn, they're either gay or married. haha.

my colleague audrey thought that farah was my sister! haha. mel and i never look like sisters. we're always arguing which one got picked up from the dustbin. there was once when farah was in my house sitting on the sofa and my blur dad called her michele. haha! maybe i should post some pics of farah and i, and mel and i... hehe. farah won the miss business pageant. not bad ah. she gets prettier everytime i meet her. she's got that sweet quality about her whereas mel has that dont-mess-with-me-look-i'll-bash-you look. haha! anyway, mel and farah told me that humankind are broken up into 2 categories: the hunters and the hunted. both of them are hunters but they never explain why. i think humankind are broken down into: the fuckers and the fucked (or fuckees). haha. got that from lethem. if you think about it really, in any given situation, you can be the fucker, the asshole or you're getting fucked or screwed. wahaha! oh well... yes, of course thats not everything...

ok, one project down! got singapore art and chai-hiang's one to go and i'm free(!!!) to go to india!!! cant wait for india. yay yay yay. got to book air tickets tomorrow during the fair. hope its not filled with screaming bratty kids. hehe. i do like kids... its the parents that spoil them rotten, like veruca salt.

opening was quite a success. i was pretty nervous emceeing, stumbled lots initially... completely forgot my lines in front of the crowd. squirm. somemore got dr vivian around! *sigh* michele, you goof. should have memorised my lines.

big turnout. food was gone. so thats a good sign. had a couple of ppl who asked me, no wine? and i was like... err. no. do you come for the art or the wine. anyways, yes, lots of people go to openings for food and wine. whattodo. cannot chase them out right??? cna came and did an interview as well. today ran a small article today. zaobao next week. berita harian next week. no news from the straits times. gave up on them already leh. sigh. whattodo. i can flatter people but buttering up just takes too much effort. ;(

ben is on mc again. jialat that guy. we're going for goldfish's swing party tonight! wee! yay! ok thats it for today.

This is one of my favourite stories by Ajahn Brahm... enjoy...

love,
michele

Several centuries ago, seven monks were in a cave in a jungle somewhere in Asia, meditating on the type of unconditional love. There was the head monk, his brother and his best friend. The fourth was the head monk’s enemy: they just could not get along. The fifth monk in the group was a very old monk, so advanced in years that he was expected to die at any time. The sixth monk was sick – so ill in fact that he too could die at any time. And the last monk, the seventh, was the useless monk. He always snored when he was supposed to be meditating; he couldn’t remember his chanting and if he did he would chant off-key. He couldn’t even keep his robes on properly. But the others tolerated him and thanked him for teaching them patience.

One day a gang of bandits discovered the cave. It was so remote, so well hidden, that they wanted to take it over as their own base, so they decided to kill all the monks. The head monk, fortunately, was a very persuasive speaker. He managed to persuade the gang of bandits to let all the monks go, except one, who would be killed as a warning to other monks not to let anyone know the location of the cave/ that was the best the head monk could do.

The head monk was left alone for a few minutes to take the awful decision of who should be sacrificed so that the others could go free.

Who would the head monk choose? The useless monk always gets a mention – how uncharitable we are! The answer: the head monk was unable to choose.

His love for his brother was exactly the same, no more and no less, than his love for his best friend – which was exactly the same as his love for his enemy, for the old monk, the sick monk and even for the dear old useless monk. He had perfected the meaning of those words: the door of my heart will always be open to you, whatever you do, whoever you are.

The door of the head monk’s heart was wide open to all with unconditional, non-discriminating, free-flowing love. And most poignantly, his love for others was equal to his love for himself. The door of his heart was open to himself as well. That’s why he couldn’t choose between himself and others.

I remind the Judeo-Christians in my audience that their books say to ‘to love thy neighbour as thy self’. Not more than yourself and not less than yourself, but equal to yourself. It means to regard others as one would regard oneself, and oneself as one regards others.

Why is it that most in my audience thought that the head monk would choose himself to die? Why is it, in our culture, that we are always sacrificing ourselves for others and this is held to be good? Why is it that we are more demanding, critical and punishing of ourselves than of anyone else? It is for one and the same reason: we have not yet learned how to love ourselves. If you find it difficult to say to another’ the door of my heart is open to you, whatever you do’, then that difficulty is trifling compared with the difficulty you will face in saying to yourself, ‘Me. The one that I’ve been close to for as long as I can remember. Myself. The door of my heart is open to me as well. All of me no matter what I have done. Come in.’

That’s what I mean by loving ourselves: it’s called forgiveness. It is stepping free from the prison of guilt; it is at being peace with oneself. And if you find the courage to say those words to yourself, honestly in the privacy of your inner world, then you will rise up, not down, to meet sublime love. One day, we all have to say to ourselves those words, of ones similar; with honesty, not playing games. When we do, it is as if a part of ourselves that had been rejected, living outside in the cold for so long, has now come home. We feel unified, whole, and free to be happy. Only when we love ourselves in such a way can we know what it means to really love another, no more and no less.

So what happened to those 7 monks when the head monk told the bandits that he was unable to choose?

The story didn’t say but I know what had happened next; I figured out what must have ensued. When the head monk explained to the bandits why he couldn’t choose between himself and another, and described the meaning of love and forgiveness as I have just done for you, then all the bandits were so impressed and inspired that not only did they let the monks live, but they became monks themselves!

dr k: so where is your husband?
me: what?!
dr k: your husband. what is he doing?
me: (horrified) i'm not married!
dr k: oh, i thought you were married
me: no! i'm so young and i dont want to get married.
dr k: why?!
me: because i want to be a yogini
dr k: what?!
me: a yogini, i want to live in the mountains
dr k: *laughs* (and starts explaning kundalini, samadhi (bliss or enlightenment) to me) you know what samadhi is? it is enlightenment, union, truth.
me: i want samadhi
dr k: *raises an eyebrow* you want?
me: yes!
dr k: ok, come for pran vidya (pranayama/breath) class.

haha... yes, dr k and i did have that conversation. i think he was slightly amused by my ambitions. hehe.

a: do you believe in a god and why?
me: i believe in a supreme god and in the god within me. because there are things beyond us that is the supreme god. and there is also the potential in us to become like god and god-like.

hong kong - january

watched the hours (berfdae pressie from felix!) till 2 am. cleaning up and calming down. pictures...............

sleeping, existing, being, breathing
bathing, existing, being, breathing

listening, existing, being, breathing
standing in the train, close eyes, world melts away, in peace and silence, simply existing, being, breathing

how often we speak of living every moment, of carpe diem, how little we put our mind and heart to it. to live each moment, slowly savouring the seconds, my breath, the sounds, spaces, texture, smell, hardness of the chair i am sitting on, the metallic bar in my grip, my shoes molding my feet, my body swaying with the movement of the train, people talking, watching, smiling, laughing, worried, caught up in their heads, thoughts, anxieties... to put your heart and mind to every moment is hard work! the mind wanders, a million thoughts - will he ask me out again? list of things to do at work, panic, memorising dance steps, planning yoga lessons, food, sleep, depression, anxiety, living in a nunnery. we never, hardly ever live in every moment. it is the past that holds us and the future that beckons but never existing, being now, in this moment. we rush forward or stay back. when we exist in a moment, it is often moments of pleasure - a party that you wish didnt end, a celebration, a wedding etc. and all other moments are spent thinking of these pleasurable moments. we live only for these pleasures. we do not try to live exist every little second. my fingers typing on my transparent white mac keyboard. the squishy plastic protector under my fingers that moves mechanically to every letter that i wish to type. the music is on. coldplay is playing. x&y. the room is slowly cooling down. fan blowing. my plastic brown spectacles sit on my nose, i can see the blur bits of my room through the sides of my spectacles. i am now existing, being, breathing.

i woke up at 1020am. went to 11am mass. love your neighbour as you love yourself. jesus says. buddha goes a bit more and says there is no self, no you or me. i want to love you, you and you. as much as i love me. no self or other simply being, loving, embracing, equanimous, benevolent.

a boy asked me out. i was pretty excited. i got out of the bath moments ago and i thought what would happen if i went out with this boy and married him and had kids and settled into married life. i like the idea. but inside there is something that says no. that aspires. (well not that married life is not fantastic, i know lots of happy, wonderful couples) but my life, this life is for another purpose. its scary. sometimes i dont want to think about it. of my purpose. try to ignore it. in the end, there is nothing better than discovering your purpose and living it.

eating, existing, being, breathing
drinking, existing, being, breathing

washing dishes, existing, being, breathing
sweeping floor, existing, being, breathing

am pm

we've got the children's exhibition opening today. yay. thank god for janet and audrey planning the whole exhibition. i've just been drowning in the other exhibitions. they've got everything under control.

am pm

ben and heng are aspiring porn directors. they've got me engaging in cyber sex, big-eyes indulging in prison s&m, hammie cubs doing it in a collapsed tunnel, big daddy in his boiler suit, siling and partner on rollerblades(?!), heng in the loreal office with yummy scrubs and moisturisers... anyway, its ben's berfdae so we got together for dinner. then headed off to villa bali. yummy. its quite a cool place. didnt get a good look around but seems nice enough. decadent. woooden pavilions.

am pm

yay for something wonderful that happened. haha. anyway, i'm crazy nuts. yay yay yay.

to inspire people to take control of their own lives by finding energy, strength, courage, challenge and joy through yoga practice.

i would add to that list - finding happiness, empowering oneself, balancing your body and mind, mastering your body and mind, discovering your hidden goddess, equanimity, completion, realisation, awareness, heightened consciousness, bliss and enlightenment.

walking, existing, being, breathing
sitting, existing, being, breathing

doing, existing, being, breathing
meditating, existing, being, breathing

my body needs to rest. sinking. work. lots of work. no mood to work. sticking thousands of labels and stamps. my fingertips cramp up. lacking awareness. repetitions.

yesterday, a whole bunch of lindy 1's stayed for fling. yay! but jacqueline and i seem to be the most on. haha. beginning to think that i'm damn buay paiseh. i wanna dance but people dont know me so they dont ask me right. so got to ask people right??? wahaha! anyway, yes, i've made it a point to dance with someone i havent danced with at every event. hehe. i think why its easy for me to do it is because i dont have a major ego. i still have one, a small one, for particular things but in cases like this, i just ask. you wanna dance? no and its ok, i wont take it personally. we shouldnt take things too personally. i know it sucks being rejected but really just get on with it and ask someone else. haha. i like it that my ego is small. i want it to disappear altogether. wanna be egoless! haha... ok later. got lunch.

we just had the spore art show press launch at sculpture square. the food was yummy... secret garden sponsored it. and bob brought more sandwiches and muffins for us in the office! yay! food! he's such a darling! great weakness - food. ok, taking a lil time to write this out before i start attacking the food and doing work. kitty tired. was talking to brian during the launch and he's reading buddhism as well! and he's gonna come for my yoga class when he's free... he says he's been meditating since he was a kid! wah! so we went on and on about yoga and meditation. apparently his mum has been been doing it and he wants to start to but does not want to join the aunties. wahaha! so he's christian and he says he's losing faith, not in god but in all these institutional practices or what pastors tell their members - harry potter is evil, yoga is evil, you will go to hell if you dont accept jesus as your personal lord and saviour. hmm... shouldnt you let them judge for themselves? instead of psychoing them blindly. yes, i do yoga, i'll go to hell. bleh. i teach it, so lagi worse, confirmed cannot be saved. hehe. anyway, the launch went pretty well i thought. some boo-boos here and there but overall better than expected yeps... ;)

i have an opening on sat and 2 openings next week! arrgghh... no clothes to wear! wahaha. actually thats the least of my worries. everything is super late! *sigh sigh* but it happens for all exhibitions so i'm quite used to these things. never on time... ;(