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♥ meddling with the grand plan. snip, snip.
★ maybe-marble
Oberon Theatre

"i think it's a mistake to lose one's sense of death, even one's fear of death. isn't death the boundary we need? doesn't it give a precious texture to life, a sense of definition? you have to ask yourself whether anything you do in this life would have beauty and meaning without the knowledge you carry a final line, a border or limit."

- white noise, don delillo

★ yuki-chan
Oberon Theatre

yuki pic

★ of the devil's party
Oberon Theatre

"we were the children of innocent consumerism and the inheritors of the freedoms won by our seditious elders in the late sixties. we had a free, superior and somewhat lazy education. we weren't much restrained by morality or religion. music, dancing and conscienceless fucking were our totems. we boasted that we were the freest there'd ever been."

- intimacy, hanif kureishi

★ everybody's doing it baby!
the village voice rotten tomatoes om improvement mOmentOm yOga camper iD magazine ontological-hysteric theatre mazzy star green plastic radiohead official radiohead tour de france lance armstrong sex and the city baylene feminist sf and fantasy atheist quotes go fug yourself buy cheap marie claire! ted design*sponge unstudio 2modern

★ unaccounted for
stpi sculpture square nus museum ps1 tate britain british sculpture zadok ben-david gilles massot ong kim seng dia:beacon guggenheim museums burning man royal academy of art the state hermitage museum new york museums tara mcpherson

★ the propellerheads
"when i was a kid i used to pray every night for a new bicycle. then i realised that the lord doesn't work that way so i stole one and asked him to forgive me."

★ nada, nada, nada
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★ thanks
Skin by szemay at szemay94
CODE by seisha pullthetrigger at blogskins.

an sms from dad
Saturday, May 28, 2005 @ 7:27 PM
yes, dad is still in bitung...

"did some jogging and swimming today. giving english tuition to kids now. had free meals from various neighbours. do not worry about me. just trust in jesus. love."

i'm okay with being unimpressive... i sleep better...
Monday, May 23, 2005 @ 8:32 PM
there's something unholy-ingly special about depressed individuals. zach braff - garden state, the other culkin - igby goes down, the royal tennenbaums?, maggie in secretary with her little box of cut me ups and poke me ins, the recent shlomi in bonjour s.m... something romantic about being admitted to psychiatric wards, popping lithium and prozac... something strangely captivating and intriguing about the way they stare out at you on the teevee screen, their slightly glazed semi-morose expressions, their puppy dog eyes and eye bags, the somehow manages to fall into right place sticky matt hair, their quirks, their dispassion for life, their disdain for happiness... there is a certain attraction in the dark side if you ask me. it is easy to fall... to give in to sleeping 15 hours a day, gardening in your pyjamas, watching dvds in your bed, refusing the sunshine, exercise, eating leftovers, not changing my bedsheets, eating my toenails... all of which i have unachieved today, after all achievements are associated with the positive arent they. i realised my spelling is not fantastic and as i type, i consciously remind myself to use the spell check at the end of this entry for fear that someone stumbles, intentionally or unintentionally into this blog and spot my erroneous spelling. yes, back to fallen individuals... well, they are, in most cases redeemed by love... i'm thinking a lot about love these days. i recently told my dad that i loved him... not face to face. on sms. well... my dad... well, it's been a difficult time for the whole family. ever since he left spore, we cant eat, we have lost all will to live normally, letting the dirt and grime settle, not caring that i havent washed my hair or that i've worn the same pyjamas for 2 straight days. anyone who is reading this and remotely believe in god please pray for my dad and my family. i will not go into details and bore you. it's too complicated anyway... he's alive, he's well... he just cant come back. for the next week or so. it's scary. i'm okay now. on friday, i cried so much i couldnt see through my contact lenses... it's a strange circumstance. i've always been safe and when danger and death lurks near, i panic, there is a vile bitter taste in my mouth, life stops. i contemplated not turning up for work the next week, to wait for my dad to come home, to pass the days gardening in my pyjamas and watching dvds, but it so happens to be the busiest week of the sculpture square calendar. it sucks. cause i dont have the will to work and yet tomorrow, i have to drag myself out of bed early. and face the world. for the next 5 days, i will try to be strong. its difficult cause its easy to fall, to cross over to depression. and how attractive that is. are we really attracted to dispassioned, depressed individuals? my summer fling is coming home, and maybe i can find comfort in him but hardly i think. i have found comfort in some people and i thank you for it. for just being there. but its easier to crawl back under covers in my dark comfortable room and watch grissom and sarah and catherine and nick and the black guy whose name have momentarily slipped my mind reassemble bombs, dead bodies and crime scenes... and back to movies... star wars was awesome but you leave the movie unmoved untouched the same. i think i enjoyed bonjour m.s. more than star wars. even summer storm was a lot more intimate. i do love sci-fi, the movies somehow dont translate the depth and intellect of the books - lost in cgi effects and what not. i hope they do justice to adams and wells.

america's big fat arse
Saturday, May 21, 2005 @ 8:48 PM
The world has two big programs that fight AIDS in poor countries. One, created by President Bush, will spend more than a billion dollars in 15 hard-hit nations this year. It is a very important lifesaving initiative, but it could do even more. The pharmaceutical industry has kept it from buying cheap generic versions of AIDS medicines. And the religious right has pushed it toward abstinence-only programs and away from the people most likely to become infected: prostitutes, gays and intravenous-drug users. Fortunately, there is also the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria, which has been free to do the work America shuns. But its ability to continue to do so is at risk.

In April, the Global Fund's board set up a committee for policy and strategy that is so powerful it has been described as a shadow executive board. The fund's board is choosing a leader for the supercommittee this week, but at the moment there is one candidate: Randall Tobias, who runs Mr. Bush's AIDS program. Mr. Tobias may be approved to avoid angering the United States, the fund's largest donor, but the risk to its independence is too great.

Mr. Tobias did the right thing this week by quashing, at least for now, an effort by American religious conservatives to make the thousands of groups getting grants from the Global Fund sign a pledge that they oppose prostitution. Many groups would have refused to sign, not because they favor prostitution, but because they see a pledge as an ideological test that would hinder their ability to help women who are forced into sex work.

On many other occasions, however, Mr. Tobias has been quite willing to follow the agenda of the religious right.

Last fall, he approved a grant for a program run by a well-connected conservative foundation to promote sexual abstinence among African youth - even though the evaluation panel had ruled it undeserving, The Washington Post reported in February. He has disparaged scientific evidence that condoms are effective in preventing the spread of AIDS. And Mr. Tobias, a former chief executive of the drug company Eli Lilly, has set up numerous roadblocks in the path of generic drugs.

If Mr. Tobias ran the policy committee, religious conservatives would have a direct channel into the Global Fund. Even if Mr. Tobias wanted to, he might not be able to resist that pressure. It is bad enough that the American program ties the hands of those fighting AIDS. It would be far worse if the Global Fund did so, too.

dancing star...
@ 8:17 PM
THE full horror of what happened in eastern Uzbekistan on Friday May 13th has yet to emerge. But an opposition leader claims to have compiled a list of 745 people gunned down by government troops in Andizhan and Pakhtabad. Of these, more than 500 were slaughtered when the soldiers opened fire on a crowd protesting in Andizhan against President Islam Karimov, the Central Asian republic’s authoritarian leader. Mr Karimov's prosecutor general has claimed that the death toll in Andizhan was rather lower, at 169, of which 32 were security-forces members—and that no civilians were fired on. There have also been reports of troops firing on civilians as they fled into neighbouring Kirgizstan to escape the conflict.

Though such protests have been seen before, it was the worst violence in Uzbekistan since it became independent in 1991, on the break-up of the Soviet Union. Since then, Mr Karimov, who had been the local Communist Party chief, has kept himself in power through rigged elections and occasional shows of brute force. He has also sought backing from America and its allies by posing as a bulwark against Islamist militancy in the region. After the September 11th 2001 terrorist attacks, Mr Karimov allowed America to use Uzbekistan’s airbases to attack the Taliban in Afghanistan.

This puts the Bush administration in a dilemma—inclined to support those protesting against a brutal regime but reluctant to side against an ally in the war on terror. America's initial response was simply to call on both the government and the demonstrators to show restraint. However, Britain took a notably harder line, calling the shootings “a clear abuse of human rights”. And, as more details of the bloodbath emerged on Monday, America hardened its stance, condemning “the indiscriminate use of force against unarmed civilians”. The secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, called on Mr Karimov to make democratic reforms, saying the conflict showed how Uzbekistan needed the “pressure valves that come from a more open political system”.

By contrast, China gave its hearty backing to Mr Karimov. Apparently pleased by his re-staging of the Tiananmen Square massacre, Beijing said in a statement to the French News Agency that it was “happy” to hear that he had restored order to the country.

Mr Karimov has insisted that his troops were not ordered to open fire and blamed the violence on Hizb ut-Tahrir, a banned Islamist group. In fact the unrest, which has been building up for some months, seems to have been triggered by the trials of 23 local businessmen in Andizhan. The men are accused of belonging to Akramiya, another illegal armed group, which is a splinter from Hizb ut-Tahrir. However, locals believe the charges were trumped up by officials, with the aim of seizing the businessmen’s property.

What began as peaceful demonstrations in support of the defendants early last week turned violent when, on Thursday night, armed men stormed the jail where the 23 businessmen were being held, letting out all the prisoners. Clashes then flared up between the security forces and the demonstrators, in which government buildings were seized and officials taken hostage. The army then moved into the town to crush the revolt.

There have been a number of violent incidents in Uzbekistan in recent years, and Mr Karimov has usually held Islamist groups responsible. In 1999, bombs in the capital, Tashkent, killed at least 12 people. Last year, troops stormed a suspected militant hideout, killing up to 23 people. Islamist radicals are indeed active in the country, especially in the Ferghana Valley—the volatile region in which Andizhan is situated. But not all the unrest can be blamed on them. Last year, there were big protests over draconian new laws to regulate market traders. In March, hundreds of farmers whose land had been confiscated stormed government buildings in Jizzakh province. Earlier this month, another group of farmers who had lost their land, from Kashkadarya province, set up a “tent city” near the American embassy in Tashkent.

While playing up the Islamist threat, Mr Karimov has ignored the fact that much of the country’s unrest is due to poor living standards. The government says its confiscation of farm land is justified by the farmers’ failure to pay their debts. But this is due to the regime’s agriculture policies, under which farmers have to buy all their supplies from the state and receive well below market prices for their produce. Economic conditions across the country seem to have deteriorated to the extent that people are now willing to risk defying the notoriously brutal Uzbek security services.

The next domino to fall?

The violence in Andizhan and elsewhere in the Ferghana Valley comes only a matter of weeks after riots in next-door Kirgizstan, following that country’s flawed parliamentary elections, forced the resignation of President Askar Akaev. He in turn was the third long-serving leader of a former Soviet state to be forced out by “people power” in 18 months, following the popular uprisings in Georgia and Ukraine. Unsurprisingly, Kirgizstan’s revolution received little coverage in Uzbekistan’s state-controlled media, which attributed the protests in the neighbouring country to “criminal elements”.

Uzbekistan’s protesters would seem to stand little chance against Mr Karimov’s security forces, who have shown they will stop at nothing to crush dissent. Furthermore, no popular, reformist figure like Georgia’s Mikhail Saakashvili or Ukraine’s Victor Yushchenko has yet emerged for the Uzbek opposition to rally around. Nevertheless, the anti-government protests in Georgia, Ukraine and then Kirgizstan all eventually prevailed, despite initial expectations that regime change was unlikely.

So will Mr Karimov be the next strongman in the region to fall? Certainly it is notable that protesters are increasingly focusing their discontent on the president himself, and demanding his resignation, instead of blaming local officials. Pressure within the regime for a change of leader is likely to grow, particularly if vested interests in the political hierarchy start doubting Mr Karimov’s ability to guarantee their privileges.

However, even if rising protests do eventually force him to step down, the outcome may not, in the first instance, be a more democratic, liberalising government. In the absence of a charismatic opposition leader, power may instead pass to a supporter of the current regime from among the country’s dominant clans. If so, there may be little hope of economic reform, just a redistribution among the elite of the spoils of power. This would do nothing to alleviate the growing economic and social concerns of a population that seems increasingly willing to challenge those in authority.

ah! its your birthday!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 @ 10:49 AM
i wait for you, like your shoes
reminded me of neruda's captain verses... te espero, te espero "i am waiting for you, i am waiting for you"
just sent colin a long email. he's replying in 3 episodes! woohoo. yah. yah. yah. i think we've forgotten how to look beyond ourselves. to be human. everyone's just so detached, so blase, so unconcerned. someone at the restaurant was chasing a little kitten away. what harm is the kitten going to do? we're just all caught up in mundane self-absorbing things, we've forgotten how to live, how to love, how to care, how to be human. me myself i. depressing.

geeky as geeky goes
Thursday, May 12, 2005 @ 12:26 PM
blog to check out for geeky sci-fi star wars fans: http://darthside.blogspot.com/

Monday, May 09, 2005 @ 2:30 PM
tips for the week
movie to watch (absolutely must!) - summer storm
place to shop - bugis market (picked up long tie-dye skirt that can double up as a tube dress for fifteen bucks that would cost 5 times as much at island shop or british india!!!)
smart thing to do - not bring credit cards out

mood: semi-moody, restless, sweaty, bloated (period is coming!)
book: jonathan lethem's fortress of solitude
crush: errmmm... hmm... someone. maybe not. but the only decent straight guy i've met in the longest time! *groan* but then, i've not confirmed that he's straight - he may be one of those gay ones that look straight... *double groan*
fetish: smelling my feet
in the dvd player: season one csi lv

watched the dreamers yesterday at home, and my!!! eva green's got the biggest boobs i've seen on such a skinny frame. they seems so unreal. so detached. so alien. lucky michael pitt.

i.n.a.n.d.o.u.t.o.f.l.o.v.e.
@ 10:01 AM
after a six month hiatus, i'm overwhelmed (in a good way) by my mac all over again. it's beautiful! it's gorgeous. the sleek curves, the sophistication, the yummy yumminess. like kissing a greek god. no wonder so many geeks are married to their macs. i may (already!) just fall desperately in love with it...................................................

tell me
Thursday, May 05, 2005 @ 12:56 PM
tell me,
what do you think
of me?
am i too loud?
am i pretty?
am i sexy?
do i turn you on?
do i make you horny?
do you dream of me?
tell me,
what happens when
the lights go out?
tell me
that you love me
that you have always loved me.
tell me
give me
a hint,
a whisper,
a song to listen,
a memory to tease,
a smell to linger.
tell me,
am i smart?
will you ask me out?
do you like my clothes?
do you want to sleep with me?
tell me,
can i be the mother of your children?
hold me?
kiss me?
hug me?
tell me,
what is the colour of the ice cream
that doesnt melt in the sun
or the taste of crepes in a
jazz bar.
tell me,
if you ever knew,
if you ever suspected,
if you ever toyed,
if you ever speculated,
dismissed,
ever
that
i
do
love
you

dream about
@ 9:31 AM
what is pain? it is simply pain. let go of the pain.
arms are brave things. a friend came out of the closet. i have forgotten what it is like to be in love. to desperately love. to let love consume one's self. i love my arms. how they hold my body up. how they curve. how they are strong for the sake of being strong. let go of the pain. or rather embrace the pain. take it in whole. swallow the bitter pill. what is pain. it is simply another emotion. another feeling. pain hurts. but not if you tell it otherwise. cuddle pain into the depths of your being. make pain your friend. suffering. it was easier to stay in bed than to wake up at 7am to practise yoga. but it was so fulfilling. with nature at your feet, yoga has never felt better.
"it's cool how i feel that you can still understand me after all these years. you're definitely a special friend. we've done it all man. emails, long distance friendships, meeting a handful of times. it's funny. but yes." turning into a weepy cat, but a friend so dear as this is hard to come by. sometimes i feel that we're soul friends, c and i, if there's such a thing. just 2 crazy individuals starting and sustaining a friendship over the internet. beautiful beautiful.
dear c, i wish you well, free from anger and pain. may your troubles tide over soon. *big big hug*